•● Melodic Misery ●•

Again

2008-09-15T13:16:00.003+08:00

I'm so angry.

Life sucks.

ARGH.

But i'm strong :D so screw you all.

I'm scared

2008-09-12T17:00:00.002+08:00

I'm really nervous about tonight. What if it really sucks? What if everyone stands huddled in a big group and leaves me out? What if everyone stands huddled in their own groups and i'm left standing alone with no one to turn to? What if i fail to make friends? What if, what if, what if. I know it's normal to fear rejection, but i'm really, really scared.

And i know that i will go no matter what. It doesn't matter that i have already paid my share, because i must go. I will overcome this, i will face this challenge, and lord please, i pray to God i really will be confident after i'm done with tonight and that my self-esteem and self-confidence will still be in tact and not shattered out of humiliation and loneliness as a result of being ostracized.

I mean, i'm sure they're all nice people and stuff, but honestly, what if they just invited me to be polite? Surely they all have their own close friends that they wanna talk to already -- and me! How can i provide interesting enough talk that won't make them look past me and instead look at me?

Look at me...and see me.

Oh Godddd...

2008-07-22T00:57:00.002+08:00

I want to take my anger and use it for my words, but i do not know how to. I only know that i want to burst, i want to smash something, i want to strangle someone, i want to scream. You see there was once a time where i knew that wherever i turned i would have someone who understood perfectly how i felt. But now i just feel restrained, confined, trapped. Like someone has thrown this thick veil over me and i can see through it, see everything that i want and everything that i need but i can't reach it, i can't even touch it.

I once had this friend i could turn to no matter what, but time reveals reality, and in reality the sugar coating around everything i blindly believed in is just that - a coating. Underneath, it's not as pretty, it's not as sweet. Now it's getting tired, the friendship's getting tired, or is it just me?

Every time, every single fucking time i feel like i'm about to make up my mind about something, there's this stupid voice in my mental consciousness questioning me.

You're blaming everyone else for this, but what if it's you?

What if it's just me?

What if i'm changing -- and i'm becoming too sensitive, aware of every little thing and caring too much?

I lost it again in school today, and when i was confiding in the mates i felt this sense of sick familiarity, like a deja vu, or something. Like i had done this and exactly this before, like i had done this too many times before. What must they be thinking? Ah, this irate girl, losing her head at everything. What happened to who she used to be?

And i'm trying hard, i'm really trying hard to maintain my personality, to be who i used to be -- carefree, crazy, fun, relaxed. But it's just so difficult, it's so difficult when everywhere, everyone else has something i want and all i can do is turn colors with envy and wonder what is it i'm doing wrong -- what did i do wrong?

What do i do now, what do i do now? I feel like i'm going crazy. They say that the thing you want the most comes only when you stop wanting it, but i don't know how to stop wanting what i currently want. I don't know how to ever stop craving warmth and company and for the one person who understand everything, who knows the right things to say to stop the shovel that is digging into the pits of my stomach, digging deeper and deeper, shaping this pitch-black bottomless abyss for me to fall into whenever i lose my grip on my sanity, and i begin to slip and fall and never ever find a way to climb back up....

It's so easy to put a smile on your face and throw everything into the darkest corner of your mind, concealed under the shadows. It's so easy to pretend when you're with friends, because they simply don't know you well enough, or maybe they're not supposed to. But at the end of the day, really, when you're all alone with no one and nothing but an icy, lifeless wall to lean against, the shadows are gone, because when everywhere is in darkness, then what is darkness?

2008-06-24T21:44:00.000+08:00

You probably think it's funny.

Groping blindly in the dark.

2008-06-11T18:12:00.003+08:00

I. Want. To. Scream.

Such a bad fucking headache, i feel like i could explode.

And it's like someone's taking a blunt object and bashing it violently at my chest. And with every strike i'm left trashing in insecurity and frustration and just plain sadness.

I hate that person standing in the mirror looking at me. I hate everything about her, that stupid filthy bitch who loses her temper incessantly. She, who becomes nastier with every passing day. She, of the mindless jealousy and inability to appreciate what she already has.

Ugh. The headache is still here. Ughhhh. I need a hug =C

I wish upon my wishlist.

2008-06-09T22:39:00.004+08:00

Nibble some chocolate, and tell yourself that life is so sweet. Then take some bitter chocolate, and eat it, just eat it, and remind yourself that life...sucks.

I wish for more chocolate. Make it dark. Dark like the eternal abyss of our uncontrollable emotional minds, dark like when the end is coming and you can't do nothing about it. So dark that the bitterness stings your tongue and the walls of your mouth and lingers in your throat, a prominent reminder that life is indeed bittersweet. Or is it?

I wish for a warm smile that can melt the coldest heart, from anyone, anyone at all.

I wish for speakers that emanate sound waves that can tear my ears off and make me deaf to the world around me, and perhaps everything would stop spinning by so fast.

I wish for a hug from someone who cares, and knows what to do about it.

I wish for a big wide endless field of green grass that i can make a bed of. I would like a nice blue sky with white, fluffy clouds rolling around to encapsulate my little reticent sanctuary, too.

I wish for perfection, but that would be too much to ask for.

I wish for freedom.

I wish to be numb, numb from all these emotions. Or i would settle for contentment, i would.

I wish ... not to wish.

It doesn't matter anyway.

2008-06-05T11:17:00.005+08:00

I am here to blog, to liberate myself, to write what i want, how i want, to be better. So i'm taking off the tracker. Doesn't matter if you know who i am, doesn't matter if you're allowed a peek, maybe two, into the depths of my soul.

~ To be real, it doesn't matter anyway.~

God, this is such a horrible feeling, such a horrible state of mind. Last night i wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. I swore to myself i'd let go, that i'd stop trying so hard, that i'd just let things be.

But how do you really know if you have let go?

I'm revisiting .. last time. Reverting, changing, morphing, evolving, varying, mutating, dying, bit by bit, yet somehow becoming more alive, more aware. You see, this is back when i thought too much, way too much. But last time i was always lonely. Well, this time i know that i have a choice. I don't have to be lonely, because i'm not alone.

But it is always possible to feel lonely even when you're not alone, true?

I'm surrounded by people who love me, yes, and last time i would've chosen to just stride on blindly, not thinking twice. Well, i congratulated myself before, for successfully getting rid of that mindset that drove my sleep away. The mindset that left me crouched in the darkest corner of a room, alone, sinking in my thoughts. Drowning. Internally.

Funny.

Now it's back, and i'm second guessing myself and everyone around me. And i'm telling myself again that no one understands. How childish, but perhaps i'm simply going backwards.

God, what is this. Why all these ... tears ... ? And this very odd desire to just lie down and curl up into a ball. And just stay. There. Like that. Until i'm ready to face the world again.

Gosh, so alone.. because, you see, my darling friends, you aren't really here, not really. You hear, but you don't really listen. Or maybe i'm just being too demanding. Why was it so easy before to just look for someone and pour everything out? Perhaps this is different, but simply the same. It is the same, but also different, and that makes sense, somehow.

And i do wonder why i try so hard sometimes, because there really isn't any point if you aren't doing it the right way. And i wonder how some people do it so easily. What is it in them that everything they touch turns to gold, whereas I...i'm just running headfirst into walls. Again. And. Again. I revealed this quiet site of mine to a couple of friends before, wanting them to read, wanting them to comprehend. I put myself on the line of my own peace, allowing them, if they were inclined, to make a mockery of my words. The words that i want so badly to come to life, and paint a picture of its own.

From another perspective, i did too offer a chance for them to see into me just a teeny bit more. But one wouldn't bother to read, the other simply doesn't share my passion for words.

~ Would you smile a little smile for me .. ~

And it's okay. Because i'm simply here to liberate myself, not to impress anyone. Not here, no.

Surreality

2008-06-04T01:25:00.001+08:00

This doesn't feel right. I'm having these snatches of moments, where sometimes i'm not really here, just floating high above myself and watching someone else send all these texts and instant messages, typing out words that i'm not sure i mean. It's one of those times where i'm on autopilot -- it's not really me, you see, it's just like ... i'm not here.

And then there are these other moments where with a sudden stab of jealousy or anger or frustration, i am swung right back down into myself, and i feel so very, very irked.

Sigh, why am i being so angsty today?

~Why can't everything just go my way..~

I am just so ... irritated that i'm always never good at what i do. Ever. Not good enough, at least. There is always an error, always a flaw that sticks out, refusing to be overlooked. Times like this i honestly, genuinely ponder, why do i even bother?

Why should i care?

Why, oh, why do i keep trying, anyway?

And then my mind is divided, one half encouraging me to give up, and the other half forbidding me to even think of letting go. You see, this is because the wiser half knows. It knows that if i give up ... then the game is lost, and it's all over, and it's stupid, because i refuse to be the type of person who gives up. I just won't.

I won't.

And while the more foolish part of my mind just wants to drop to the ground and throw a fit, screaming for the whole world to hear how IT'S NOT FAIR that i have to put in extra effort, the wiser part knows, yet again, that all i have to do is try harder, and harder, and harder, until i'm good enough, and i will be good enough.

I just have to try harder.

Sigh. I'm so tired. So very tired.

Trepidation, speculation

2008-05-28T22:34:00.002+08:00

I have this habit that started years ago, that every time i got angry, i'd stuff my ears with earphones and blast the music on so loud that only the music can be heard, nothing else. Not the irking voices of the people around me, not the stabbing words that i didn't wanna hear, not the thoughts that i didn't wanna think. Maybe it's because i have become aware of this habit recently, that when i employ this method -- it doesn't work anymore. My thoughts are now louder than the music.

Faulty earphones, perhaps.

I want speakers, of bass so effective that i can feel the continuous thump-thump-thump in the core of my heart, dictating the beat of my pulse, and vibrating in my bones. I would die to yank the wires of my current speakers out of its place and dump the whole set into the bin -- these speakers that turn the best vibrations of the beat into an apathetic and debilitated reverberation of no life and spark.

But then i would have no source of music at all, and that would be sooo boring because music occasionally, just occasionally, gives my world its splendor and colors. Ah, ah ~

Just a moment ago i felt so full of emotions; of excitement and anticipation and frustration and happiness and anger and everything, and i was a human maelstrom of emotions that was on the verge on exploding. I felt like a sea during a storm, and nothing could calm me down.

But now it's okay. Now I'm just caught up in a rush of discovering something new. Something rather unimportant to the person that writes here, but perhaps important to the person that everyone knows.

So it's okay. It's okay.

News..

2008-05-26T22:25:00.009+08:00

I am shocked, abashedly so.

All my effort put in, all those expectations, all grinding down to nothing.

My, my..

Now the walls around me are dripping with shame; disappointment surrounds me and flares with such vigor that it hurts, and it seems that the ticket i have chosen to get myself out of here is turning to dust before my own eyes.

But the skies are bluer than ever, and the moon is shining even more brightly than it did before. My dreams are still calling out, and all i can think about is no, no, no, no, no. No way in hell I'm giving up so fast. I'll try so much harder, I'll give it everything i have.

It's not over yet. Hell, no.

I attended an accidental talk yesterday. I didn't know it would turn into a talk, but it did, albeit a short one. I didn't listen, as usual, but crumbs of it fell into my little bowl of awareness. The lady speaking -- she loved singing, she loved dancing; yet she was told by her very own instructor that no one in the world could teach her to sing ("you're tone deaf!"), and she couldn't even count the beat of the music, much less dance. But, she said, she tried. She tried so hard, so very hard that where people tried twice, she tried a hundred times more.

Her point is that the effort counts for so much more.

A genius can't better a hardworking man.

Without putting in extra effort, a genius' ability is limited to the extent of his gifts, but one who is hardworking has an endless capacity to improve.

What more can i say? I am chagrined that my effort has come to this, but perhaps i just didn't work hard enough. Well, i will never forgive myself if my dreams end up being set on fire and its ashes stored in a box left in the back of my mind for the rest of eternity simply because i didn't try hard enough.

It's just something you know.

2008-05-24T02:34:00.010+08:00

How do i feel right now . . . ?

Disappointed.

Frustrated.

Sad.

Furious.

Confined.

Confined.

I know it. It makes my heart burn. I can feel it in my soul, it rages in my spirit, it is the main constituent of each and every molecule of the blood pulsing through me, and it is so real. It's in my bones. I don't belong here.

I'm not... dare i say it?

I'm not meant to be here.

Do i not dare to say it aloud then?

Why not?

Do i fear that it is not right?

Well, i am in control of my life.

I'm not meant to be here.

Screw of all you, each and everyone of you who cling on to every inch of the walls of my mind and watch me. Screw you all for taunting me and jeering at me when i fall and telling me i'm not worthy when i pick myself up. All of you can fuck off, because this is how i decide my life.

This is the path i chose.

Yes it is the harder path, but i chose this route, and i don't give a damned fuck if you think that i'm simply choosing the tougher way out. This is what i have set my heart on. I have decided to chose the more fulfilling route AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK THAT I AM BEING STUPID.

Sometimes i am aware, that all these voices in my head are actually just one voice, ingeniusly disguised, with many, many different faces, so much that i am tricked by no other than myself. They are all simply all of my personalities, all dishing out a different opinion of their own.

Well, they're all different, but they're simply the same. They're me. I am me.

What am i?

Why do i bother trying?

God, i don't even dare to write because i'm afraid of failing.

Right now, i am thinking of...of who? Oh, yes. The drummer. The English speaking drummer with the eyes, those eyes, that for some reason i remember the most.

And now i'm thinking of my mummy and daddy, and how ... how ... how i give up. What can you do to me? I'm only doing as you wish now. I'm going for the classes you want, i'm joining the activities you prefer. Sometimes, mummy, your prejudiced mindset awes me.

Now, the only thing i'm doing that you do not consent entirely is enjoying myself with the people that i can be myself with. Well, i give up. One day i'll leave here.

I have to.

Trying so hard.

2008-05-20T14:06:00.004+08:00

This innate desire in me to create something acceptable and worthy has quietly, without any given notice, morphed into painful desperation. Sure, one would say that I'm being unnecessarily tough on myself, but i will not let this be. I know it crystal clear that i can have my peace of mind. I just have to learn to let all of this go, let it slip through my fingers like the fine, cool sand on the Redang beaches. I just have to let myself believe that it's okay..it's okay to not try. But i will not. I can not. Not yet, not now. Maybe it is better to not try, but what if it isn't? I just know this, i have to try. I refuse to give up.

But my inspiration is running dry. Lately, the horrible realization has been coming over me like a fisherman's net falls over his fishes, and i writhe and struggle but i'm trapped. I cannot write, i cannot do anything worthwhile. It is balking, it is disheartening, and i am irked that i have to refer to the Thesaurus to remind myself of words that i should know by heart. I don't even have a distinct command over my vocabulary, it is just downright exasperating. It feels like i'm drowning in futility, and every time i make an attempt to rescue myself, all i get is a blank piece of paper slapped back in my face. The barrenness of this paper mocks and taunts me, reminding me of how utterly useless i am. And i am filled with resentment towards myself. Why am i like this?

And the cage is beckoning to me, tempting me, and i edge closer and closer towards its door, until once again I'm ensnared in it -- the cage of superficiality. Where weight and looks turns into obsessions, and i am wiled into the arms of mediocrity unless i am pretty and thin. I am thoroughly aware that this should be of no importance, that all this only matters because i let it be so, but it has always been a detrimental habit of mine to be unable to let things be as they are.

I tell myself that this mentality of mine has to be fixed, but then it strikes me, here i go again, rushing into another self-concerning mission. Why can't i just let things be? Why can't i just let the dust settle instead of running through the haze and trying to make sure each speck lands correctly? Why can't i just ... accept?

Well, in my defense, i suppose i know it deep in my heart that when i fail, if i fail, I'll have at least tried. And i know that I'll never be able to forgive myself if i did not try at all.

I like the name of this new blog.

2008-05-19T15:30:00.001+08:00

I wonder if anyone will ever discover this blog. The initial idea, i suppose, was to create a blog where i could liberate myself, to blog freely and pour my heart and soul into my words and perhaps one day, with training, i'd be able to write amazingly like perhaps pinkpau or, i don't know. Whoever.

Sometimes when i'm feeling especially bitchy, i'll be nasty to her. And then to quench out the guilt i'll just tell myself repeatedly that it's okay, i'm just returning the deed, giving her the payback she deserves for being so carelessly nasty to me before. I know people would tell me to just adopt a who-gives-a-shit attitude, because sensitivity really is a bitch. But sometimes i really cannot help taking a dive into that pool of memories and every time that happens i emerge drenched in displeasure and exasperation and resentment.

But i can see where this is going, though. One day, after too many days of being nasty and not letting myself feel guilty about it, i myself will be a horrible person. It'll be perforated into my personality, and when i realize it i'll feel so ashamed and sorry about the person i have become, and i'll be desperately wishing to go back to when being unkind wasn't an automated reflex.

Well, i'm not here to be a bitch. Holding on to grudges are never good, and so i'm going to make myself let go. It isn't going to be easy, it's going to be damned well difficult and it'll take so much self-control and open-mindedness and a whole load of that who-gives-a-shit disposition, and i'll have to remind myself of this resolution every day and every minute but i'll do it because i wanna be the bigger person this time.

Maybe we just got ourselves into this friendship too deep after all. Maybe it's just me. I've never been so close to a friend before, never loved and hated a friend like this before, never did so many things together with just one person before. I suppose first-times always impart such a big effect on our souls..

Sometimes i hope this friendship isn't getting tired, but then i'll wish that she'll just go away and i'll walk away and we'll live our own life and this friendship will be tucked away into that little box that's kept in the back of our minds and remembered as the friendship that sometimes ... just sometimes .. became too heavy of a burden to bear.