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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I want to take my anger and use it for my words, but i do not know how to. I only know that i want to burst, i want to smash something, i want to strangle someone, i want to scream. You see there was once a time where i knew that wherever i turned i would have someone who understood perfectly how i felt. But now i just feel restrained, confined, trapped. Like someone has thrown this thick veil over me and i can see through it, see everything that i want and everything that i need but i can't reach it, i can't even touch it.

I once had this friend i could turn to no matter what, but time reveals reality, and in reality the sugar coating around everything i blindly believed in is just that - a coating. Underneath, it's not as pretty, it's not as sweet. Now it's getting tired, the friendship's getting tired, or is it just me?

Every time, every single fucking time i feel like i'm about to make up my mind about something, there's this stupid voice in my mental consciousness questioning me.

You're blaming everyone else for this, but what if it's you?

What if it's just me?

What if i'm changing -- and i'm becoming too sensitive, aware of every little thing and caring too much?

I lost it again in school today, and when i was confiding in the mates i felt this sense of sick familiarity, like a deja vu, or something. Like i had done this and exactly this before, like i had done this too many times before. What must they be thinking? Ah, this irate girl, losing her head at everything. What happened to who she used to be?

And i'm trying hard, i'm really trying hard to maintain my personality, to be who i used to be -- carefree, crazy, fun, relaxed. But it's just so difficult, it's so difficult when everywhere, everyone else has something i want and all i can do is turn colors with envy and wonder what is it i'm doing wrong -- what did i do wrong?

What do i do now, what do i do now? I feel like i'm going crazy. They say that the thing you want the most comes only when you stop wanting it, but i don't know how to stop wanting what i currently want. I don't know how to ever stop craving warmth and company and for the one person who understand everything, who knows the right things to say to stop the shovel that is digging into the pits of my stomach, digging deeper and deeper, shaping this pitch-black bottomless abyss for me to fall into whenever i lose my grip on my sanity, and i begin to slip and fall and never ever find a way to climb back up....

It's so easy to put a smile on your face and throw everything into the darkest corner of your mind, concealed under the shadows. It's so easy to pretend when you're with friends, because they simply don't know you well enough, or maybe they're not supposed to. But at the end of the day, really, when you're all alone with no one and nothing but an icy, lifeless wall to lean against, the shadows are gone, because when everywhere is in darkness, then what is darkness?

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12:57 AM