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Surreality

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

This doesn't feel right. I'm having these snatches of moments, where sometimes i'm not really here, just floating high above myself and watching someone else send all these texts and instant messages, typing out words that i'm not sure i mean. It's one of those times where i'm on autopilot -- it's not really me, you see, it's just like ... i'm not here.

And then there are these other moments where with a sudden stab of jealousy or anger or frustration, i am swung right back down into myself, and i feel so very, very irked.

Sigh, why am i being so angsty today?

~Why can't everything just go my way..~

I am just so ... irritated that i'm always never good at what i do. Ever. Not good enough, at least. There is always an error, always a flaw that sticks out, refusing to be overlooked. Times like this i honestly, genuinely ponder, why do i even bother?

Why should i care?

Why, oh, why do i keep trying, anyway?

And then my mind is divided, one half encouraging me to give up, and the other half forbidding me to even think of letting go. You see, this is because the wiser half knows. It knows that if i give up ... then the game is lost, and it's all over, and it's stupid, because i refuse to be the type of person who gives up. I just won't.

I won't.

And while the more foolish part of my mind just wants to drop to the ground and throw a fit, screaming for the whole world to hear how IT'S NOT FAIR that i have to put in extra effort, the wiser part knows, yet again, that all i have to do is try harder, and harder, and harder, until i'm good enough, and i will be good enough.

I just have to try harder.

Sigh. I'm so tired. So very tired.

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1:25 AM