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Trying so hard.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

This innate desire in me to create something acceptable and worthy has quietly, without any given notice, morphed into painful desperation. Sure, one would say that I'm being unnecessarily tough on myself, but i will not let this be. I know it crystal clear that i can have my peace of mind. I just have to learn to let all of this go, let it slip through my fingers like the fine, cool sand on the Redang beaches. I just have to let myself believe that it's okay..it's okay to not try. But i will not. I can not. Not yet, not now. Maybe it is better to not try, but what if it isn't? I just know this, i have to try. I refuse to give up.

But my inspiration is running dry. Lately, the horrible realization has been coming over me like a fisherman's net falls over his fishes, and i writhe and struggle but i'm trapped. I cannot write, i cannot do anything worthwhile. It is balking, it is disheartening, and i am irked that i have to refer to the Thesaurus to remind myself of words that i should know by heart. I don't even have a distinct command over my vocabulary, it is just downright exasperating. It feels like i'm drowning in futility, and every time i make an attempt to rescue myself, all i get is a blank piece of paper slapped back in my face. The barrenness of this paper mocks and taunts me, reminding me of how utterly useless i am. And i am filled with resentment towards myself. Why am i like this?

And the cage is beckoning to me, tempting me, and i edge closer and closer towards its door, until once again I'm ensnared in it -- the cage of superficiality. Where weight and looks turns into obsessions, and i am wiled into the arms of mediocrity unless i am pretty and thin. I am thoroughly aware that this should be of no importance, that all this only matters because i let it be so, but it has always been a detrimental habit of mine to be unable to let things be as they are.

I tell myself that this mentality of mine has to be fixed, but then it strikes me, here i go again, rushing into another self-concerning mission. Why can't i just let things be? Why can't i just let the dust settle instead of running through the haze and trying to make sure each speck lands correctly? Why can't i just ... accept?

Well, in my defense, i suppose i know it deep in my heart that when i fail, if i fail, I'll have at least tried. And i know that I'll never be able to forgive myself if i did not try at all.

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2:06 PM