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It's just something you know.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

How do i feel right now . . . ?

Disappointed.

Frustrated.

Sad.

Furious.

Confined.

Confined.

I know it. It makes my heart burn. I can feel it in my soul, it rages in my spirit, it is the main constituent of each and every molecule of the blood pulsing through me, and it is so real. It's in my bones. I don't belong here.

I'm not... dare i say it?

I'm not meant to be here.

Do i not dare to say it aloud then?

Why not?

Do i fear that it is not right?

Well, i am in control of my life.

I'm not meant to be here.

Screw of all you, each and everyone of you who cling on to every inch of the walls of my mind and watch me. Screw you all for taunting me and jeering at me when i fall and telling me i'm not worthy when i pick myself up. All of you can fuck off, because this is how i decide my life.

This is the path i chose.

Yes it is the harder path, but i chose this route, and i don't give a damned fuck if you think that i'm simply choosing the tougher way out. This is what i have set my heart on. I have decided to chose the more fulfilling route AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK THAT I AM BEING STUPID.

Sometimes i am aware, that all these voices in my head are actually just one voice, ingeniusly disguised, with many, many different faces, so much that i am tricked by no other than myself. They are all simply all of my personalities, all dishing out a different opinion of their own.

Well, they're all different, but they're simply the same. They're me. I am me.

What am i?

Why do i bother trying?

God, i don't even dare to write because i'm afraid of failing.

Right now, i am thinking of...of who? Oh, yes. The drummer. The English speaking drummer with the eyes, those eyes, that for some reason i remember the most.

And now i'm thinking of my mummy and daddy, and how ... how ... how i give up. What can you do to me? I'm only doing as you wish now. I'm going for the classes you want, i'm joining the activities you prefer. Sometimes, mummy, your prejudiced mindset awes me.

Now, the only thing i'm doing that you do not consent entirely is enjoying myself with the people that i can be myself with. Well, i give up. One day i'll leave here.

I have to.

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2:34 AM