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I like the name of this new blog.

Monday, May 19, 2008

I wonder if anyone will ever discover this blog. The initial idea, i suppose, was to create a blog where i could liberate myself, to blog freely and pour my heart and soul into my words and perhaps one day, with training, i'd be able to write amazingly like perhaps pinkpau or, i don't know. Whoever.

Sometimes when i'm feeling especially bitchy, i'll be nasty to her. And then to quench out the guilt i'll just tell myself repeatedly that it's okay, i'm just returning the deed, giving her the payback she deserves for being so carelessly nasty to me before. I know people would tell me to just adopt a who-gives-a-shit attitude, because sensitivity really is a bitch. But sometimes i really cannot help taking a dive into that pool of memories and every time that happens i emerge drenched in displeasure and exasperation and resentment.

But i can see where this is going, though. One day, after too many days of being nasty and not letting myself feel guilty about it, i myself will be a horrible person. It'll be perforated into my personality, and when i realize it i'll feel so ashamed and sorry about the person i have become, and i'll be desperately wishing to go back to when being unkind wasn't an automated reflex.

Well, i'm not here to be a bitch. Holding on to grudges are never good, and so i'm going to make myself let go. It isn't going to be easy, it's going to be damned well difficult and it'll take so much self-control and open-mindedness and a whole load of that who-gives-a-shit disposition, and i'll have to remind myself of this resolution every day and every minute but i'll do it because i wanna be the bigger person this time.

Maybe we just got ourselves into this friendship too deep after all. Maybe it's just me. I've never been so close to a friend before, never loved and hated a friend like this before, never did so many things together with just one person before. I suppose first-times always impart such a big effect on our souls..

Sometimes i hope this friendship isn't getting tired, but then i'll wish that she'll just go away and i'll walk away and we'll live our own life and this friendship will be tucked away into that little box that's kept in the back of our minds and remembered as the friendship that sometimes ... just sometimes .. became too heavy of a burden to bear.

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3:30 PM